Hold Me Tonight
by velvetregulus
Summary: It all started with a farewell letter to Sirius. Now, depressed and alone, Remus continues to write letters to Sirius. Post OoTP. Deathly Hallows not included! SiriusRemus, obviously.
1. Chapter 1

**Hold Me Tonight**

Synopsis: Remus writes a letter to Sirius. Post OoTP. Yes, Sirius!Remus.But, sad Sirius!Remus.

Dear Siri,

God it hurts. I cried myself to sleep for the past few nights, thinking about you. Thinking about how I'll never see you, hold you, touch you. You leaving hurts. But to never be able to see you? I just can't.

I'm so tired, my love. When I do sleep I replay what happened over and over and over again in my head. I only had one good dream. The last time I slept, though, you were in my dreams. It was that one night, right after Gryffindor had won the Cup, remember? You came back to the rooms because I wasn't in the common room. You came looking for me. And you found me in the dorm. You asked me why I wasn't celebrating and I showed you the letter from mom, saying dad had died in an accident. God, Sirius, and then you wrapped your arms around me and held me as I cried against you. You didn't even go back to the party. You just sat, and held me as I cried.

I remember waking up snuggled next to you. Laying in the curve of you body, under covers I don't remember being laid under. And for a few minutes I didn't remember how I'd gotten to my bed at all.

I never forgot that…

I can't forget you. God. It's been a week? Maybe? I've lost track of time, babe. I measured time by you, and now your gone. How can I live if my love is gone, if my sense of everything is gone?

I can't. You can't be gone. You just can't. I thought you were gone for good. Right after James and Lily died. And then, you came back. And now you're gone. Why? Why is it so hard for you to stay put, honey? Why can't we grow old together. Run the moons anymore? Just snuggle, like we used to?

I can't go on without you, Sirius. I can't. I can't leave here, either. To go where you're at. Wherever you are. They need me. The Order. Harry. But, I need you. You made me who I was…who I thought I was going to be after all this was over. And now it is, for me. It's over. Because you're gone, love. You're gone.

I'm sitting here, listening to "Rust". "Somewhere I here you calling me. So hold on, I'm not far away." But, you're so far away. So, far. I listen to those words over and over again. It makes me cry even harder. "I know I'll feel better in the morning light, so just hold me tonight." Please, come hold me, Sirius.

Day and night. They run together. You were my hopes, my dreams. Everything. I miss you. Wherever you are, I miss you. I love you, Sirius Black. Always and forever.

Love,

Your Remmie.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Sirius,

I know, I know. I don't know why I am writing to you again. I'll try not to babble. I know you can't hear me. I don't think anyone can

anymore, but I don't know where else to go. So, I write you these silly letters. You'd tell me I'm being silly, I know you would. You're

probably saying how silly I am right now, wherever you are.

I've slept longer, now. I think it's because I've been so exhausted from crying and staying up at night, roaming the house, looking for you

in some sort of sleep-depraved trance. Sometimes I think I see you, and I reach out to you, I chase you around and around, but I never

catch you. I found a few of Buckbeaks feathers lying hidden under a bed the other day. Made me laugh then burst into tears. I just can't

stop crying, Siri. I know, I'm trying. But, it just doesn't work, nothing works anymore. I'm broken. Please come back and fix me. Touch

me and make it all better. Kiss me like we used to kiss. Wherever you are, come home to me.

I still love you Sirius, always and forever,

Your Moony.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Sirius, 

It's been a while, hasn't it, love? I was roaming around Grimmauld Place and dug out an old trunk of yours. You'll never believe what I found in there! I found your hideous sequined pants with the sparkles and gaudy baubles we enchanted onto them. Remember, love, the ones that would change color with whatever song was playing at a particular concert we were at? I found your oversized, faux diamond encrusted glasses with the flares on the side of the frames and even that old makeup kit you'd drag out before concerts and Quidditch matches and smear all over your face like some sort of demented Red Cap! I even found some of our old records (some even from our Hogwarts days!) Brian Slade, David Bowie, Venus in Furs, even the Wylde Ratzz. I played them for the first time in years, dancing by myself, singing along to long forgotten lyrics. Just for the hell of it I smeared myself in blue and pink makeup, sprayed myself with glitter, and even slipped on your sunglasses! (I tried the pants on dear, but to no avail. By god how skinny we were back then!)

Listen, I know your gone. I mean, it's been a couple months and all. I'm still not over you. It. Everything that happened. It's just so unfair. I live without you for years only to have you return and then vanish again. Like a slipping warmth that comforts for a time before slowly eking it's way out of the blankets until your left cold and shivering.

To be honest too, Sirius, the war is not going at all well. So much has happened in the space of a dozen weeks and yet it feels like a lifetime. Things would be better if you were here. I haven't slept walked in a few weeks and I don't cry as often. That's not true. I cry everyday and you know it. I know you're here. You have to be. The alternative just isn't possible. You're in this very house. You're in my skin. You're part of my soul, Sirius. God I love you, but I'm going to go now. I'm always thinking about you. I love you.

-Moony


End file.
